Pearson Announces Saturation of U.S. Education Market; Turns Its Eyes on Dog Obedience School
New York City, December 23, 2014, 2:00 PM: J.D. Datum, newly appointed C.E.O. of the Pearson consortium announced today that Pearson Education Testing Services, Inc. (PETS) would expand its curriculum-pushing, test-inflicting, and data-harvesting expertise into new markets.
“We got PARCC and Smarter Balanced ain’t so smart,” the C.E.O. said. “There’s little left to conquer. If we are to grow profits like our shareholders demand, we have to find new markets. And the dog market is as pristine as the North American continent the day Columbus arrived.”
A spokeswoman later clarified Pearson’s strategic plan. “There are millions of misbehaving dogs across America and their owners are incompetent to teach them how to behave. If Dog Obedience Schools were really effective, we would not be seeing this level of dogs refusing to come when called, refusing to sit when told, and refusing to stay when they want to wander. There is only one conclusion: obedience schools are failing and the trainers who work there need improvement.
“By applying the Danielson model to dog schools, supported by Pearson’s expertise in providing curriculum and testing protocols, we can provide what these schools need to bring all dogs to proficiency in obeying commands.”
L. Evesque, Doggone Foundation, with support from Florida’s former governors, exclaimed, “Hot dog! We’ve been pushing these reforms for years. We look forward to school choice for all dog owners. We call upon the Florida legislature to pass our model legislation so these animals’ Mommies and Daddies can use a voucher to get their beloved pets out of these failing obedience schools.”
When this reporter asked how dog owners do not have a choice of obedience schools now, Evesque responded, “Shut yo’ mouth. If we are to bring our dogs into a global economy, a 21st century curriculum blended with technology and enhanced standards of learning, we have to divert the public’s tax dollars from traditional targets to …”
At this point, she reddened and coughed. Several dogs in the area howled. Evesque took up the challenge. “To childless adults, their dogs are as precious as your human children are to you. They deserve the same respect from Florida. After all, we have a rather broad interpretation of the state constitution’s emphasis on education … dammit, John Ellis B. wants to run for President of the United States. He needs contributions for his campaign.”
The Pearson plan for dogs is eerily similar to what takes place in the nation’s public schools. Dogs will undergo a standardized curriculum organized under the CCSS, Common Canine State Standards, because after all, dogs in Hawaii ought to be able to pull a sled like Alaskan Huskies above the Arctic Circle, and if not, maybe they should be put down along with the people who teach them.
Then, the dogs will be tested by these standards and data gathered so the public can know how well the dogs that live among them are actually performing. Pearson expressed its confidence that it knows better than anyone how to test dogs despite the fact that its top and middle management own only cats.
Pearson may face opposition, though. Patrice Weillerderott, American Kennel Club, commented upon the plan, “We resent their implications that there are no standards for dogs. We have been setting standards for hundreds of breeds for over a hundred years. Who are these people, anyway?”
Robert Span’nolovich of the Westminster Dog Show also commented upon this story. ”We’ve been testing dogs for years. They think they know better than us how to judge a performance? And what’s with this talk about data? Seriously? Really … year after year, we see the same thing. Showpeople with the buckaronies to doll up their pets, get the right posture, and hire personal trainers to inculcate the precious traits we want to see for our show … well, they get the blue ribbon, don’t they? Poor people can’t compete.”
Evesque, who denied taking a Pearson supplement for this story, responded that these people showed why her foundation’s reforms were needed. “It’s for the puppies …”
Datum spluttered at his latest press conference. “That’s exactly why we have to barge into this market. Once we’ve established our monopoly … ahem, I misspoke, aren’t those puppies cute?”
Meanwhile, reports are coming in from all over the nation that dogs are opting out by running away from their owners. Who can blame them?