Traditions: those things we do because theyve always been done when we
no longer have a reason for doing them.
Does that fit as a definition? I’m reading a post to a Facebook group in
which a mother joyously announces her daughter’s engagement. It was a wonderful
story, but a jarring detail caught my eye.
The lucky young man called her father and asked for her hand in
marriage. Mom thought that was sweet.
But what does that imply? Asking for a hand in marriage is an old
custom, a legal custom, that was necessary when the legal system viewed women
as property of a man. When a woman married, her custody moved from her father
to her husband. This act was signified by the woman taking the name of her new
husband. It’s no longer done, but Betsy Smith would become Mrs. Joseph Clark
upon marrying Mr. Joseph Clark.
Nowadays, the name change is limited to the last name. Sometimes the
couple tries to finesse the issue by hyphenating both names, but that is
socially awkward and people will default to one name, usually the last one on
the hyphen, which I’ve always assumed is the male name.
As people marry later, that can cause confusion in the woman’s work
world. It is not unusual for a woman to maintain her birth name as her
professional name even as she changes for social venues.
Children receive the father’s surname. This happens in all situations.
However, when the parents do not live together, children mostly remain with the
mother. Great confusion arises when children named Johnson live with a mother
named Williams.
An improvement would be for a woman to keep her name and children to
receive her surname. If anyone needs to change a name, let the man do it.
As for the hand in marriage, it is an insult to an independent, legally
competent woman to act as if her approval, her consent, is not enough. The
counterargument is that it is only a custom with no real meaning. Why do it
then?
Maybe because receiving the goodwill of the parents will be important to
the success of the marriage. Why then does no one ask the mother?
Asking a father for a daughter’s hand is a tradition that no longer fits
our society. Let’s allow it to die out.
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